DON’T’ TELL ME ABOUT ‘DOING’!
May 26th, 2009
For what seems like a very long time now, I have had this unquenchable thirst for more of God. I absolutely must know more about His ways, and I am desperate to hear His voice more clearly, and more often. I am unwilling to travel through this life without His constant leading, and I am unable to understand His ways on my own.
Although it is a very good thing to be hungry and thirsty for more of Him, it can also be quite frustrating. I find that the more I read and the more I learn, the more questions I have, and the more pressure I experience in my spirit to know and understand Him better. It is a sweet problem to have; however, I find that most of the time I feel like I am on the cusp of something big but I just cannot quite grasp that golden ring. There is no doubt in my mind that God is the instigator of this drama, and that He is continually drawing me closer, inviting me to dive into deeper intimacy with my Maker. Since I am in training for eternity, the rewards will no doubt be worth the effort. The more intimate I become with my Abba, with my Beloved Jesus, and with my best friend Holy Spirit, the greater is my reward here and in the hereafter. So, as I continue my pursuit of the deep things of God, I will take pleasure in the joy of the hunt for His hidden treasure.
During my continual search for resources, I happened upon a book with a title that talked about satisfying that ravenously hungry place in my soul. I was excited about my find, and I could hardly wait to dig into it. I took the book with me on vacation, looking forward to the enrichment it had to offer. But much to my dismay, it turned out to be another ‘doing’ book. Do this – do that – prepare yourself – say the right words – worship this way or that way – implement this activity to attain that result. How exasperating – and how exhausting!
(I am already an over-doer; that is part of my problem. Because I grew up with very little comprehension of my value to God, or to anybody else for that matter, I always assumed I needed to do twice as much to be half as good as everybody else. Consequently, too often I find myself trying to do more, or do better, or do something else – in what seems like an attempt to induce God to love and accept me more. My brain is too often on overload, striving, and frustrated. I absolutely do not need one more new methodology, or one more thing to do!)
Admittedly, that book had some good points, and I incorporated a few suggestions into my basic mindset. But I cannot describe how infuriating it was to have one more author suggest that my failure to have a deeper relationship with God was the result of my not doing enough of this or that. Disgusted over what I was reading, I closed the book and threw it in the corner. Once again, I had to stop and remind myself that I was not a failure simply because of my lack of knowledge, or my inactivity. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
So, there I was, crying as I leaned over the veranda of our cruise ship stateroom, looking out at the stunning beauty of the ocean … still searching … still hungry even after recently gorging myself with the ship’s fare … still desperately in need of a new encounter with God … and out another twenty bucks spent on one more book. Deep in my soul, I knew there was more to intimacy than devising a routine of ‘doing.’ I am convinced that once I have invited the Lord to come in His glory, He will not first ask me to say more or do more. The Word says that if I draw closer to Him, He will draw closer to me. Unlike witchcraft, I do not need to set a better atmosphere or recite certain words or conjure up a more emotional drama to get His attention. Instead, deep calls unto deep. He hears my heart cry and that touches His heart, causing him answer my call and draw nearer to me. Why do I continue to try to make this so difficult? Is it because I really do not believe that He is as anxious to fellowship with me as I am to fellowship with Him? Do I think He is too busy for me, or that He enjoys hiding from me to see how long I will beg for His attention? This is most definitely not the character of a Daddy who loves me and made me in His own image. And yet, it seems that much too often I open a new book or listen to another teaching, and am inundated with more about ‘doing’ and less about relationship.
Determined to shake off this heaviness, I curled up on the sofa and began to call His name. Nothing happened. I paced back and forth in that tiny stateroom and then sank back into a chair. I called again. Nothing happened. I resisted the urge to beg or plead, or worse yet, to fall prey to some religious ritual that may have seemed to catch His eye some other time. I took a deep breath and settled deeper into the cushions, determined to remain there until peace came over me. As I waited, a holy calm seemed to drape over my body and I felt like I had been enveloped in a cloud. After a while, a ‘knowing’ came over me and I began to realize that I still had not yet learned how to wait on Him. I had to admit that usually, after about two minutes of waiting, I get impatient and my brain begins to wander off to the next item on my mental calendar. Who knows how many times Jesus has responded to my call, only to find that I have already moved on to the next event?
Sometimes I simply give up and fall asleep. Jesus asked His disciples to wait for Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, to watch and pray. But they fell asleep. He asked Peter, “Could you not keep watch for one hour?” Sometimes I cannot wait a few minutes, let alone an hour.
Perhaps the key to solving my dilemma is as simple as that: watch and pray. And wait. I do not wait well. Lord, teach me to wait on You. Teach me to watch and pray and wait for You to reveal Yourself to me. Teach me to linger in Your presence, to bask in Your glory. Pour out Your Spirit; teach me to drink deeply of that sweet wine that is my reward for waiting. Refresh and restore me, fill my emptiness until I am overflowing, but please never quench my longing for more of You.
Psalm 63:1
O God, You are my God; early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.
Isaiah 44:3
For I will pour water on him who is thirsty, and floods on the dry ground; I will pour My Spirit on your descendants, and My blessing on your offspring.
Psalm 73:28
But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Your works.
James 4:8a
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
2 Samuel 22:7
In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears.
Psalm 42:7
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls; all Your waves and billows have gone over me.
Isaiah 45:3
I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God if Israel.
Matthew 13:44
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.