Fear seems to sneak up on me when I least expect it.  One day all is well and the next day, I discover that an alligator of a problem has grabbed hold of my leg.  In looking back, I can always pick out its slithering path, and I scratch my head in wonder that I could have been so oblivious to that thing creeping up behind me in the shadows.  By the time that particular fear is exposed, it has already managed to get a hammerlock on my soul, and I know I am in for a battle.  I will immediately jump into the fray, and for sure I will win – no doubt about that.  The biggest challenge is in getting to the bottom and draining the swamp.  Things are never quite like they seem, and in order to close and seal that open door; I must expose and dig up the root.  Rarely is the presenting issue the source of my problem.  It all seems like so much work, and for a minute I dread having to clean up one more mess.  But when I remember the blessings that always follow a victory, I am encouraged to go for it, full speed ahead!  Recently I had an encounter with another one of those alligators.

My husband and I love to take road trips, which is a good thing since all of our family is out of town.  The two of us have always traveled well, and we enjoy each other’s company in such a sweet way.  Every winter we drive to Florida and back, and during the year we make many trips around the Midwest.  Often when our children call, they will ask where we are at now.  One grandson even asked his dad if we really had a home of our own.  So, you can imagine my concern when I began to experience anxiety from driving in heavy traffic.  It seemed to me that my husband was continuously following the car in front of us much too closely, and I was developing a huge fear of having a collision.  To make things worse, if I was working on a cross-stitching project and happened to look up as we were gaining on the car in front of us, my heart would pound and I would gasp, and that would startle my husband.  Not a good scene!  We would talk about it and he would promise to leave more space between us and the car in front of us.  And I would promise to do a better job of trusting his driving.  After a while I came to the realization that the problem was mine, not his.  Oh no, the alligator of fear had me by the leg!

So began the draining of the swamp.  As I pressed in and asked the Lord for revelation, He showed me a spiritual door I had allowed to open that gave a spirit of fear access into my soul.  Two winters ago while we were in Florida, my husband made an unwise decision to cut across a busy lane of traffic, and that move led to a small fender bender.  It was actually such a small collision that we did not even need to involve the insurance company.  However, it was the very first time I had ever experienced his being irresponsible behind the wheel, and I lost trust in his driving.  He is, and always has been, an incredibly safe and responsible driver, but in that moment he apparently lost credibility with me.  Intellectually, I knew that was extremely unfair; however, logic does not automatically trump feelings.  Now I knew where to begin. I forgave him for his error, I repented for having lost trust in him, and I commanded that spirit of fear to leave me.  I walked away feeling pretty good about having won that battle so quickly, and I set in motion a plan to be at peace while we were driving, even if I had to occasionally close my eyes.

Some weeks later I was riding in my daughter’s car, with her at the wheel.  As the traffic increased, I became aware of how close we were to the car in front of us, and once again fear took hold of me.  I renounced that spirit and decided I was going to remain at peace.  But a few minutes later fear was gripping me again as traffic continued to increase.  As I told my daughter what had been going on with me, the Lord showed me that the root of my fear went much deeper than my husband’s little wreck.  Now, it is always good news and bad news for me when I discover that I still have more work to do in a particular area.  On one hand it is “oh crap, I have more stuff to work on.”  But on the other hand it is “oh good, I am on the verge of feeling much better than I do right now!”

I asked the Lord to walk with me, reveal the deeper root of the problem, and help me get free from it.  It did not take Him very long to begin the process.  First, He reminded me of the story of Job.  When Job lost everything, he lamented and said, “For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me.”  When we fear a particular thing, we focus on it so much that we often bring it to pass.  The Lord showed me that if I did not get this fear out of my life, it would grow and grow until I would not ever feel safe in a car, and that would be the end of our road trips.  Unchecked fear could impact my life in such a way that I could become obsessed with my safety, and that could completely shut down my destiny.  When I realized how crippling this could become, I immediately thanked God for showing me truth, I bound that spirit of fear, I repented for allowing it to grow in my soul, and I declared that I would not rest until I had victory over it.

Then, on my way home from that particular road trip, which I had taken by myself, on two occasions I changed lanes on the interstate, only to look in my rear view mirror and see that I had just cut in front of another car.  I thought I had been driving responsibly, so in both instances, I wondered where that car came from.  In both instances, I was amazed that I did not cause a serious accident, and in both instances, my heart was pounding as I thanked God for watching over me and keeping me safe, even in my apparent carelessness.

Immediately the Lord downloaded this message into my spirit:  “I wanted you to see that I go before you, and I make a way for you.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  When you chose to listen to the voice of fear, even more than losing confidence in your husband, you lost confidence in Me.  In this area you seem to have forgotten that you are in My hands and I will always make a way for you.  Remember when I picked up your car and moved it out of the way of an oncoming truck.  Remember those other times you know about when I saved you from disaster, and know there were many other times I went before you, when you did not even know you were in danger.”

That pretty much said it all.  Broken and humbled, I repented for losing trust in the One who is most worthy of my trust, and I began to reflect on some of the times God had indeed saved me from certain disaster.  You can read about my experience when God picked up my car and moved me out of the path of the truck.  That piece is called Testimony to Psalm 91 and was published on my website on November 20, 2008.

My head flooded with memories of times God had snatched me from the clutches of death and delivered me to safety.  I remembered an event where, without God’s intervention, my four young children and I would have frozen to death one bitter cold and snowy February night.  My children and I were headed to my sister’s farmstead when I realized I had turned off the main road one mile too soon.  I stopped the car and was turning around to head back to the highway when I turned too sharply and backed into the ditch.  Down we went, into a very deep and snow-filled grader ditch, and when the car stopped, we were in a vertical position, looking at the stars.  I knew we were in a precarious position, late at night on a deserted country road with no farmhouses anywhere near.  Even if a car did come down that road, they would never have seen us way down there.  My sister was expecting us to be late, and we lived four hours away, so it would have been morning before anyone began to look for us. 

I remember sitting there for a few minutes, trying to come up with a possible solution.  The kids were nervous, but I don’t think they realized the gravity of our situation.  After all, life was never dull at our house, and drama was not uncommon.  The car was still running, so I hit the gas and we moved an inch or so.  I put the car in reverse and we moved back a few inches.  Impossible as it seemed, I continued to rock the car back and forth, turning the steering wheel slightly.  We were making progress, and after a while, we actually drove out of that ditch.  Everyone cheered, and I was a hero.  Sadly, at the time, I actually believed I had accomplished some great feat.  It took years for me to realize that it was only by the grace of God that we had survived.  Looking back, I realized that I did not even think to clean out the exhaust pipe that no doubt would have been filled with snow.  I get a catch in my spirit when I think of all the lives that would have been impacted by such a tragedy, and all those grandbabies who would never have gotten to be born.  Oh God, it touches my heart to remember Your love and Your grace, and I thank You for Your covering and protection, and for continuously extending my life here.

The previous year the kids and I went to that sister’s wedding.  I dreaded the trip because my family was not too happy with how I was living my life, and I was not quite ready to hear them out.  So, a ‘friend’ sold me some pills that would help me get through the weekend.  About an hour into our trip and after taking the first pill, I was very sleepy and having troubles processing my thoughts.  Right then I spotted a hitch hiker and I picked him up – something I had never done before – and I even let him drive!  He was heading for the same area as we were, so I slid over in the seat and fell asleep, leaving this stranger in control of my car, my children and me.  Several hours later he woke me up because he had reached his destination, and much to my shock, we were less than a mile from my sister’s home.  At the time I thought it was a wonderful coincidence.  Today I know God had sent an angel to get us there safely.

A few years ago I attended an out-of-town gathering, and on my way home, somewhere I made a wrong turn and found myself heading north instead of west.  By the time I got back on track, I had lost about forty-five minutes of time.  Shortly after getting back on the right highway, I came upon a terrible multi-car accident.  Traffic was barely able to get past all the vehicles, ambulances, fire trucks and highway patrol cars.  I immediately began to pray for the victims, and as I drove by the wreckage, something came over me and I began to sob uncontrollably.  As soon as I got past all the vehicles, I pulled over, laid my head on the steering wheel, and I cried until I was completely spent.  I had never experienced anything quite like this, so I asked the Lord what it was all about.  I cried even more as I pondered His words spoken into my spirit.  He told me that He had caused me to make the wrong turn.  Had He not done so, I would have been involved in the accident, my car would have been smashed, and I would have been killed.  I thanked Him and praised His goodness, as I wondered how many other times He had spared my life.

I remember a number of years ago when a well-known prophet was invited to speak at our church.  We were relatively new to this congregation and, having been raised in a more traditional denomination, I was a bit undone when the prophet walked over and pointed his finger at me.  He told me the demons have hated me and tried to take me out many times, but God has always prevailed.  I see now how true those words were, and still are. 

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin?  And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.  But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.  But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

Hebrews 13:5b

…For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:2

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels.

Job 3:25

For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me.

Revelation 12:11a

And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb and by the words of their testimony…

While walking through the forest, a lonely hunter came across a wounded bird, which he rescued and began to nurse back to health.  Lacking first aid skills, he fumbled through the process as best he could.  His splints were makeshift at best.  Frustrated with himself over his incompetence, he grumbled as he treated her wounds.  Grateful to be rescued from certain death, she silently submitted to his rough care.  Thus began their journey together.

Traveling through the forest, neither one knew how to relate to the other.  Although the hunter wearied of the burden of caring for the bird, the prospect of actually setting her free kept him continually at odds with himself.  So, as he rewrapped the bird’s wings, he would put little stones in her bandages to delay her recovery.  Although he would never admit it, he was becoming rather fond of her.  And my, how it beat being alone!  Meanwhile the bird meekly submitted, remembering that her very life had been restored, such as it was.  Her moods would swing between gratitude and hopelessness, seeing no chance of ever regaining her freedom.  She was terrified of him (after all, he was a hunter!).  Although she would never admit it, she was becoming rather fond of him.  And my, how it beat being alone!

Day after day, the hunter would place the bird in a sling he would hang around his neck.  The bird was certainly a nuisance who required much attention, so he often thought about leaving her on the forest floor to fend for herself.  But his heart was given to her so he never abandoned her.  Bound in the sling around his neck, she would be jostled around and irritated, and she often thought about hiding in the brush the next time he let her down for a rest.  But her heart was given to him so she stayed and endured.  And so, on they trudged through the forest, neither one experiencing the fullness of what life had to offer.  Together but very much alone, neither one dared to trust the other; neither one found the courage to reveal his true self.  And God cried over the emptiness in the lives of two of His beloved creations.

(As you read this story, did it pull on your heartstrings?  Did the characters remind you of anyone you know?  Did you long to be part of the solution?  If so, please lift him up in prayer.  God longs to bring a measure of hope into that person’s life, giving courage to enter into meaningful relationship.  Only then can he begin to tear down the walls around his heart, walls that were erected to provide protection from pain.  Sadly, while locking others out, he has also locked himself in.)

In 2004 I met a sister in Christ, who quickly became a precious new friend.  We began to open our hearts to one another, and as our friendship grew, I grieved over the condition of her marriage.  One night as I prayed for her, God gave me the above allegory.  She cried when I shared it with her, and confirmed that it definitely paralleled her situation.  As time passed and our relationship blossomed, I had the privilege of watching God’s hand move mightily in her life and in her marriage. 

Recently I have been led to publish the allegory, so I asked her if she would be willing to describe the turning point:  that place where the hunter and the bird turned away from fighting against one another and moved to a place of fighting together for restoration.  Here is her follow-up to the story:

“One afternoon I was sitting on the couch, praying and reading a book about praise and worship.  As I lifted my voice to praise God, I began to realize that His reality is so much bigger than mine. I know He is faithful and I know He delights in giving me the desires of my heart.  For as long as I could remember, I had been praying for the healing of my marriage.  What if my prayers had already been answered?  What if He had already healed my marriage, but I was not living in that reality?  What if I was simply not experiencing His restoration, only aware of the “pebbles” in my dressings?  I determined that I was going to step into His reality.  At that moment I had a vision of a clear pool of water, with everything around it calm and peaceful; I knew it was God’s confirmation that I was on a right track.  I shared my revelation with my husband and told him I believed our marriage was already healed and I was going to walk in that belief.  He agreed to do the same.

“That night I slept in total peace and when I awoke, everything had changed!  My heart was madly in love with my husband and I saw our marriage in an entirely different light.  I had not had a change in attitude, nor had I simply decided to think differently.  This change came from my knowing who God is.

“From that moment on, our marriage has gradually improved as we walk in God’s reality.  We still have our ups and downs, but we continue to work together.  I continue to ask God to reveal my part, and to heal those wounded places in me.  We surround ourselves with people who have solid marriages, husbands and who wives who have learned to communicate well with one another.  I am determined to walk in God’s reality; I am not that wounded bird living a hopeless existence.”

God, I praise You, and I thank You for your unconditional and continuous love for us, for Your answering of our prayers, for your healing, and especially for Your continuing watchfulness over us, Your precious children.  Show us how to walk in Your reality.

Matthew 5:3

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.  Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone?

James 5:16b

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Mark 11:24

Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them and you will have them.

Luke 12:32

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

My son turns fifty today.  I am sitting in his recliner, sharing the day with him, thinking about the incredible blessing he has been to me over the years, and absolutely still is.  Fifty years and six months ago, I was unable to look down the road to envision how the total upheaval in my life would weave its way into such a wonderful story.

That was when a sixteen year old junior in high school visited her family doctor to be treated for a bladder infection, only to be informed that she was pregnant.  What?  I could hardly believe that report, and neither could my mother.  I was very naïve about things like sex and reproduction, although I had obviously experimented, once.  I really believed something like this could not happen if you were very careful.  Apparently I did not understand the concept of careful. 

That was the beginning of some very dark and painful days for me.  My parents were furious about my being pregnant, and they expressed their displeasure early and often.  I expect they were also experiencing some shame, being the owners of a small business in a small town where everyone would be whispering.  I was also experiencing shame, being required to quit school and miss my senior year and graduation.  In those days, you did not say, “I’m pregnant;” you said “I have to get married.”  So I got married – in a pink dress.  I might as well have been forced to wear a scarlet letter on my chest for the shame I felt over the matter.  I must admit, I was so consumed with simply surviving the whole ordeal that I did not think much about the incredibly awesome package I was carrying in my womb.

That is, not until I began to understand the meaning of what was called ‘going into labor.’  My dad had advanced me some money so I could buy my new husband an electric razor for Christmas, with the understanding that I would work off the debt.  So this particular morning, even though I had an intense back ache and all I wanted to do was curl up and cry, I headed to the bowling alley to help my dad with the cleaning.  I complained about having to drag that industrial vacuum cleaner around, my dad barked at me for being quick to take the money and slow to fulfill my end of the bargain, and I ran out the door crying.  Several hours later I called my mom because I had a terrible pain in my stomach.  She took me to the doctor and then to the hospital, and after several hour of extreme discomfort, I delivered my little bundle of joy. 

He was the sweetest, most gentle, sunny little boy – a delight to be around and a joy to have for my very own.  Who could have known that motherhood would be so rewarding, such a miraculous gift from God!  I still marvel that He entrusted this precious package into my care.  I will be forever grateful, and in looking back, I know that the painful beginning was a very small sacrifice for the reward I received in return.

Our early days were quite normal and quite good, adding three girls to the family.  My ‘favorite son’ remained a delightfully sunny child, easy to raise and easy to love.  But the days became more of a challenge as the family went through a divorce and the kids experienced life with a single mom, and later on, life with a single mom with a drinking problem.  Those were some pretty dark times and all of my kids suffered as a result of my many wrong choices.  My son did his best to work through challenges not of his own making, while he navigated through his teenage years.  I will be forever grateful that he took the lead in caring for his siblings while I was working and while I was off chasing some illusion that I never found.  Needless to say, I could tell some stories.

We all got through those times, each in our own way, and no doubt came out more seasoned, wiser, and definitely more able to follow the path God had set out for us. I would love to be able to go back and change many of the choices I made, but I would never want to change who each of us has become.  

God blessed my son with an amazing wife and two wonderful children.  Later his joy was increased when his children added very special spouses to the family, and then two perfect grandchildren.  Although his life has had many challenges along with the many rewards, I am guessing he would not want to change much of it.

Today my son is fifty years old.  He has seen a lot and done a lot, but I believe there are still a great many blessings awaiting him.  He and I have had our ups and downs, and I must admit that some of our downs were quite painful, but today our relationship is better than I would have ever asked for.  He could not be more respectful or more loving or more caring.  I could not ask for more than he gives me, other than perhaps a bigger bed in the guest room.  My son’s integrity is above reproach.  He is loving, honorable, trustworthy, extremely faithful, fun-loving, and honest; he is a son to be extremely proud of and a man to be admired.  I believe his second fifty years will be even greater than the first fifty.  I believe God has big plans for him, and I believe he will walk them out in amazing ways.

Lord, I thank you for changing my life fifty years and nine months ago.  Thank you for giving me a son; one I am extremely proud of, one I love and admire and honor on this special day.  I love you, Bob.  Happy Birthday.

Help me, Lord!  I feel like I am in a wilderness, in a dry place where there is scarcely any of that sweet refreshment that can only be supplied by You.  I have searched my soul and determined that nothing is wrong, nothing is out of place, nothing unusual has come against me.  But neither am I getting any new revelation.  In my head, I know God has not moved away from me, and I certainly have not moved away from Him.  It simply is quiet in my soul, eerily quiet.  I want to write, but my brain is devoid of words.  I desire a dream or a vision or a word, but nothing comes.  Just quietness - all around me.  I begin to feel anxious about the possibility of losing my gift of writing.  I know I must immediately take that thought captive, and pitch it out.

Now is the time to declare out loud:  “I have given my whole self to the Lord; my all, my everything.  Some time ago I determined to come into agreement with Him and with His will for me, no matter what.  So, even if He were to remove my gift of writing (and no doubt it is solely a free gift from Him, something impossible for me to accomplish on my own), or any other gift He has granted me, all would be well with my soul.  The Lord gives me gifts and anointings in His good timing and for His good pleasure, and so long as I remember that, I will never be disturbed if He removes them.”  That’s my declaration and I’m sticking to it!

I lean back, take in a long breath, and quiet my soul.  I am fully aware of my desperate hunger for more of Him.  I remind myself that without God’s instilling His hunger in me, I would be satisfied with the status quo, and I would not be motivated to go deeper.  Unless He infuses me with passion, I would remain passionless.  Without Holy Spirit’s outpouring of life into my soul, I would be among the walking dead.  Pondering that thought, I sink to my knees and thank Him for pouring life into my bones and for calling me to dwell with Him in the Kingdom, even while still dwelling here on earth.  The truth is:  I am greatly blessed, regardless of whether or not I feel it.  I encourage myself with the reminder that as quickly as it leaves, His voice always returns.  If I remain at peace, soon the sweet breeze of fellowship will once again surround me.  And once again, His fiery passionate love will engulf me.  But not soon enough for me!

I recall being in the wilderness many times before, and He has always brought me out more refreshed than when I went in.  However, that is not much consolation when I am longing – right now! for the sweet refreshment that comes from fellowshipping with Him.  I love it when I sense His presence in the room; when my spirit receives new revelation, new words, new ideas, new hope.  I love pondering on a question, resting for a short while, and then suddenly ‘knowing’ the answer to whatever it was I was searching out. 

My mind wanders to an earlier wilderness experience.  During that time, I had sunk so low that I became convinced I was unable to hear anything at all.  A friend reminded me that His sheep do hear His voice; hearing that sent me even deeper into despair.  She suggested that I go home and sit in my chair with my Bible in hand, ask Him for a word, and then sit quietly in His presence - and wait on Him.  Frustrated but willing to do almost anything, I took her advice.  The next day I curled up in my chair in our prayer room.  I asked Holy Spirit to give me a new word, and I sat and waited, and waited, and waited.  Nothing came.  Frustrated and impatient, I was about to end this experiment when I felt a pressing against my chest, pushing me against the back of the chair, as if to encourage me to not give up so easily.  So I settled back in my chair, choosing to wait a little longer.  After a while I found myself thinking about the Book of Job.  I opened my Bible to Job and I said out loud, “Now what?”  Nothing came.  I began to turn the pages, slowly, sensing no direction at all - until I found myself reading Chapter 23.  I stopped at verse 8, and I read it in amazement:

Behold, I go forward but He is not there, and backward, but I cannot perceive Him; when He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; when He turns on the right, I cannot see Him; but He knows the way I take.  When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Whenever I read that Scripture, I am reminded that even though I experience a season where I think I am not seeing or feeling or hearing God, He is still with me and His eyes are always on me.  I am also reminded that feelings often have little to do with reality.  I am in absolute amazement over His love for me, love that would lead me to the words I desperately needed to hear at that very moment. 

Even when I am unaware of His presence, I can look back and see where God was quietly leading me to make the better decision.  Several times I have had two job offers, and even when it appeared in the natural that I was passing up the better opportunity, the job I chose turned out to be a wonderful opportunity for me.  No doubt my spirit was hearing from Him.  Several times I have made decisions to do something or go somewhere, and when I woke up the next morning, I was seeing the situation in a completely different light, giving me time to reverse my decision.  I often wonder how many disasters He as averted on my behalf – I am truly grateful for His sometimes quiet leading.

Writing this piece, I continually felt empty and aimless and uninspired.  My words seemed so dry – just what I would expect in the wilderness.  However, a thought about a particular vision kept coming to mind, one I vaguely remembered from a few years ago.  I had to look in many places before I finally found a copy, but as I read it once again, I knew Holy Spirit had been prompting me to add it to this writing (proof that He does speak to me, even in the wilderness). 

In the vision, I saw myself standing in green grass, mindlessly looking around.  When I turned the other direction, I found myself standing on the edge of a desert wilderness.  Jesus was standing there with His hand extended toward me, inviting me into the wilderness.  I took His hand and stepped into the warm sand.  We began walking through the desert until we came upon a large flat rock.  Jesus lifted me up on the rock, pulled out a large book, and began teaching me.  After a while he closed the book, helped me off the rock, and led me further into the desert.   We came upon another flat rock where he once again lifted me up, pulled out His book and taught me His word.  This same scenario repeated many times.  Then we came upon a small oasis where we rested for a little while.  Once we were refreshed, we stepped off the far side of the oasis and found ourselves back in the wilderness.  After a time of wandering in the desert, we reached the other side, where we found rows and rows of fruit trees and lush green grass.  Each piece of fruit on the trees was so huge that I could barely get my arms around it.  I pulled a piece of fruit from a tree and sat down in the grass to eat, totally at peace.  This reward was more than worth the time spent in the wilderness.

Although I received a totally different message when I first penned this vision, as I re-read the words, I knew it contained a new message for today.  I was reminded that when I am in what seems like a wilderness place, whether or not I feel something, or see something, or hear something, even in those dry times, Jesus is always with me.  And in the middle of the wilderness, Jesus is teaching me new lessons.  Even if the wilderness experience feels terrible, I must remember that it too is part of God’s plan for me.  It is a time when my faith gets stronger, when I reach higher, when I dig deeper, when I dare not lean too heavily on my emotions and feelings.

Hebrews 13:5b  For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Song of Solomon 8:5  Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?

Isaiah 40:3-5  The voice of one crying in the wilderness: prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill brought low; the crooked places shall remain straight and the rough places smooth.  The glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.

Psalm 4:1  Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!  You have relieved me in my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

Job 23:8  Behold, I go forward but He is not there, and backward, but I cannot perceive Him; when He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; when He turns on the right, I cannot see Him; but He knows the way I take.  When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

The first time I laid eyes on Molly, she was curled up on a small folding chair in a large auditorium, with her hat pulled down, head tucked in, and coat wrapped tightly around her body as if she were trying to make herself invisible.  I knew she was in her early twenties, but with her small frame drawn up in a ball, she looked more like a child than an adult.  My heart was troubled over this seemingly lost child of God.  She had come to The Call in Kansas City with some friends we knew, and we spent the afternoon with that group.  Laughter and activity surrounded her, but she remained disconnected, somewhere in her own little world.  As the conference opened and the music began, we all stood up, except for Molly.  Totally disengaged, she spent most of the worship time lying across the folding chairs or under the chairs on the cement floor of the convention hall.  She seemed so all alone in a room full of more than twenty thousand screaming young people on fire for the Lord.  This little soul looked so fragile and so very much out of place, I wondered how she ever found herself in such an environment. 

Molly would later confirm that sleeping was the only way she could escape the unbearable predicament in which she found herself.  She had looked forward to participating in a young people’s Christian conference, but she had to admit that she’d had no idea what she was getting herself into.  The frenzy of the conference attendees:  the raising of hands, the waiving of arms, the jumping and dancing and singing out to Jesus was exactly what she hated about non-traditional religious events.  Now here she was, much to her horror, right in the middle of her worst nightmare.  Molly had come with a friend, so she resigned herself to the fact that her body was hopelessly stuck here.  Her mind, however, checked out at the earliest opportunity.  Not knowing anything at all about Molly, I have to admit that I rolled my eyes over what I judged as her blatant rebellion.  (My heart had not yet been tenderized to the hopelessness of a child in bondage.  Praise God that He has since taught me to not judge a person’s heart by the look of his outward appearance.)

Some months later, after Molly experienced another serious bout of depression brought on by yet another failed relationship, followed by yet another suicide attempt, a mutual friend suggested that she meet with me for prayer.  Molly agreed and I was delighted, so we met every week for about four months.  She described her history of “looking for love in all the wrong places,” searching for someone, anyone, who would love her and validate her.  She had a hard time getting her arms around the possibility that Jesus would desire to fill that emptiness in her soul, so week after week I told her about His hot burning love for her.  I told her about the immeasurable love of her Heavenly Father, but all she could relate to was the lack of attention she received from her earthly father.  (I was not sure if her perception was accurate because I did not know her family.  What I did know was that if he was offering her love and affection, she was not receiving it.)  Progress was slow and I often wondered if we were making any headway at all, but we both pressed on. 

I rejoiced one evening as Molly sank to her knees and confessed Jesus as her Savior.  I will be forever grateful that I took the risk to invite her to make that decision.  Oh how I prayed that her response came from her heart and it was not just an empty gesture.

From the beginning, Molly wanted the blessings of God, but she was not willing to surrender her life to Him.  She continually sought my approval of her poor decisions and, although I loved and accepted her personally, I could not endorse her behavior.  So, we just kept going around the same mountains week after week after week, never seeming to break through the stone wall around her heart.  I pressed harder to get her to make some changes in her life, but she resisted.  Finally I suggested we take a break, and she flew like a caged bird.

I never saw her again.  The following year I received the news that Molly had committed suicide.  Oh, how I cried out to God, asking if I could have said or done something that would have brought about a different outcome.  I wondered if I should have given her a little more time or followed up with her later or this or that or something else.  Molly had told me that her emptiness was the result of an absentee daddy – he was either on the road or hidden behind a newspaper.  Although I encouraged her to approach him, she always backed away from that idea.  She would tell me about the outrageous things she would do, just to get him to notice her.  No doubt she got her daddy’s attention this time.

Over the years, I have replayed this event in my head.  Sometimes I get a catch in my stomach when I pray for someone battling a spirit of suicide, but I know that is only the enemy trying to intimidate me.  When I first heard of Molly’s death, I agonized over the flaws in my own character that might have rendered me ineffective in my desire to make a difference in Molly’s life.  I sought the Lord to speak to me in the midst of my pain and sadness.  He comforted my soul and assured me that I was not responsible for her death.  He reminded me of His great love for her, from the day He first formed her in His thoughts, and He too grieved over her destructive choice.  He reminded me of His great love for each of us, and because of His desire for each of us to freely choose to love Him in return, He gave each one of us an absolute free will.  Molly chose to listen to the lies of the spirit of death, and she chose to end her life.  I chose to be a small part of Molly’s life, even knowing her history, and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to love on her, and to speak life into her soul. 

I am crying as I edit this piece, one that has been sitting in my computer folder for several years.  Only now am I led to publish it – I suspect someone out there needs to read Molly’s story in this very season of his or her life.  I know it will pull on the hearts of daddies and daughters, and mothers, and sons, spouses and grandparents, and all those who have experienced the gut-wrenching agony of a similar experience.  I pray it will cause someone to choose life, and to fall in the arms of Jesus, the Maker and Giver of all that is good.

Many words have been coming out of the media, as well as from the prophets, pointing to a huge ‘event’ that is to take place the end of next year.  In part because the Mayan calendar ends in December of 2012, many people believe that date marks the end of the world.  We know that cannot be true because the world is never going to end – we who have received Jesus as our Lord and Savior know we will rule and reign with Him for all eternity.  Some believers think this upcoming event will usher in the return of Jesus and the end of this current age.  As I read Scripture, I do not think that can be true because many prophesied events have not yet taken place.  For instance, in order for the “abomination of desolation” to take place, there must be a temple in Jerusalem where the antichrist will come in and demand to be worshipped.  Plus, the Church has not risen to her fullness, nor has evil risen to its fullness.  Not yet, but soon? 

Although I do not believe next year will bring about the end of the age, I do believe we will very likely experience some sort of event that will bring about much change in our lives.  That line of thinking is not much of a stretch when one compares the signs of the times with the prophetic words in Scripture.  Who knows, perhaps fear alone will bring about many unwanted changes in our lives.  One thing is certain:  God will be glorified in the middle of whatever takes place.

What I am left with is a decision:  will I continue in my current lifestyle or will I choose to be proactive and make some changes in my life to be better prepared for a possible life-changing event.  Stating the correct answer is a no-brainer; however, it gets a bit more difficult when I take an honest look at my life, and I take action to remove the things that do not produce eternal fruit.  This is the place in which I find myself today.

Recently during a time of worship, I received a word from the Lord.  While I was singing praises to Jesus, in my spirit I saw two angels enter the room and stand in front of me.  They invited me to go with them, so I stood up in agreement.  They took their places, one on each side of me, standing very close and squeezing me between them.  We rose up and up, and entered a huge room.  I did not think I was in heaven because the room was hazy blue, like it was filled with smoke; however, I did sense it was outside of this earthly realm.  There were lots of people in the room, all of them frantically moving couches and chairs, arranging and rearranging the seating.  When I asked why they were moving the furniture, I was told they were getting ready for a whole bunch of new people.  The angels said that something big was about to happen and many lives would be taken.  I asked what I should do.  I was told to keep doing what I have been doing:  pray and intercede, take my rightful place, lead, write, declare the Word of the Lord.  They said to tell the people:  do not be afraid; this is not the end.  Much must still take place before this age comes to a close.  Read the Word to know the signs of the times.  Tell the people:  do not fear.  Fear causes a herd mentality, and the Bride of Christ does not follow the herd.  She stands and holds her place.  Tell the people - write it in your blog:  times are going to be more difficult for lazy Christians.  If they do not rise up and fight for what they believe, they will grow cold and turn away.  Times are going to be more difficult for the double-minded, the people who are straddling the fence, with one foot in the Kingdom and one foot in the world.  If they do not make a commitment soon, as the chasm grows wider, they will crash and burn.  Remember your aunt Leona, who could not make a decision to go right or left during her driving test, and she crashed into the auto dealership plate glass window in front of her.  She never drove again.  Take a stand; blow the trumpet; sound the alarm.  Time is short.  Be at peace.  Shalom.

That message really got me to thinking and pressing in to the Lord, asking Him for a deeper understanding of these words.  Several nights later I had a dream.  I rarely remember my dreams once my head leaves the pillow, so when I remember one this vividly, I know it is significant.  In the dream, I am trying to find the hallway that will take me from the back of a building to the front, where my workplace is located.  As I am heading up yet another hallway, I meet a young man and I ask him if he can help me.  I am so drawn to this man because he is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, with an engaging smile and a captivating manner.  Yes, he says he knows how to get there, and he would be delighted to show me.  He wraps his arm around me in such a courtly manner that I am somewhat distracted, as I wonder why a handsome young man such as he would be so incredibly attentive to an older lady such as I.  He escorts me down another hallway, and then he stops midway and invites me to join him for a short movie.  I am already late, but I agree.  He sits in the movie with his arm around me in a pure and respectful manner, and I am quite taken by all the attention he is showering on me.  After the movie, he asks me to walk with him to his friend’s house in order to get his car, and I agree.  At the friend’s house, I am warmly welcomed and everyone treats me like I am a dignitary.  We go out to his car, which is named Vector, he puts the top down, and we go for an incredibly refreshing ride.  I am beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable about being so tardy to work, so I force myself to tell him I really do need to get back.  He reluctantly drives me to my workplace, but he takes the long way.  I slowly get out of the car, and I quietly take the back stairs up to my office, hoping to not be noticed.

As I shared the dream with my husband, he quickly connected the dots as to its meaning.  That beautiful-looking man surely represented the devil (who Scripture says can even appear as an angel of light), whose goal was to distract me from my job.  For as long as I allowed it, he kept me from returning to work, disarming me with his charm and distracting me with delightful activities.  Isn’t that so like the enemy to draw us into all sorts of worldly pleasures, while the jobs we were made for sit unattended?  I felt really duped, but I reminded myself that it was only a dream, and no doubt a gentle reminder from the Lord.  I chuckled as I thought about the car’s name:  Vector.  That is an aeronautical term, and when the vector is not set precisely correct, a plane can fly cross-country and arrive in Seattle when its intended destination was Los Angeles.   

The next evening we discussed my concerns with some friends, identifying activities in our lives that produce fruit, as well as naming activities that are barely remembered the next day.  Then in the night I had another dream.  In this dream, I am at a big conference table with lots of people, and we are discussing strategy to prepare for the days ahead.  We are sharing ideas about what things to include in our lives in order to produce the greatest results, and what things we want to eliminate.  We seemed to be making good progress when I awoke suddenly, experiencing intense pressure on my chest.   I was in a lot of pain, and having difficulty breathing.  My first thought was that I might be having a heart attack, but as we prayed and commanded the discomfort to cease, the Holy Spirit confirmed that I was fine.  I was simply experiencing an attack of the enemy (it would seem that he is not interested in seeing me make some positive changes).  Praise God that He has given me the power and authority to banish evil.

As I lay in bed, I asked Holy Spirit to lead me down the best path, to show me what things the Lord would have me change in my life, for my joy and for His glory.  He reminded me of a vision I had several years ago and had never written about.  It goes like this:

During a walk on my treadmill, I envisioned what I knew was the Spirit of Jesus.  He was in the shape of a very large man, but completely transparent and without features.  He said to me something like this: “Let Me show you how to walk through life’s challenges.  Come up really close, right behind me.  Now, staying very close to Me, take a step every time I take a step, as if you were my shadow.”  So I did just that.  He walked through tall thickets, moving the branches away as He walked.  The branches waited for him and me to pass by and then they bounced back, never touching either of us.  Then He walked through a muddy swamp.  Every step He took left a big dry place for me to step and the mud waited to cover up each footprint until after I stepped out of it.  He walked through a rushing river and the water swirled around behind us.  As I looked ahead, I could see right through Him, and since I was so very close behind Him, it seemed as though I was out there all by myself.  When I would get frightened, I had to remind myself that I was not at all alone.  When I would fall back a little, I was blasted by the elements, but as soon as I pressed in close behind Him, I was once again protected.  As I looked around and thought about going another way, I would be reminded that doing so would leave me to face the elements all by myself.  So, even though I did not always want to go the same direction He was going, I chose to let go of my own ideas and stick with His.  Smart girl!  I noticed that the air smelled so much fresher and the trip was so much easier, so long as I stayed very close to Jesus.  I was not fearful at all, but instead, I was at peace and filled with joy.  I was glad I had chosen to remain in His tracks long enough to experience a taste of the peace and joy that passes all human understanding.

As I re-read the words of my vision, I realized that this was all the answer I would ever need!  When I am tucked in, right behind Jesus, I am safe from the world’s troubles – no, actually, I am safe IN the middle of the world’s troubles.  I must know that I too will be affected by whatever comes.  The media will scare people into frenzy; after all, the reporting of shocking events is how they make their money.  But rather than allowing fear to overwhelm the Church, we must know and declare that this is our finest hour.  People always run to God when their world gets turned upside down, and we will be there, ready to proclaim the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ.  As for me, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to re-assess my priorities and shore up my life while there is still time to ease into change.  I am likening myself and the year ahead to a young man leaving home and heading off to the military.  He empties his room of the familiar souvenirs of life that have surrounded him during his youth, and he arrives at boot camp with a single suitcase filled with the basic necessities.

Matthew 24:14-16  And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come.  Therefore when you see the ‘abomination of desolation’ spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing in the holy place (whoever reads, let him understand) then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains.

Isaiah 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  Yes, I will help you.  I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

James 1: 2-3, 6-8  My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. … But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.  For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

II Corinthians 11:14-15  And no wonder!  For satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light.  Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works.

Romans 8:28  And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those that are called according to His purpose.

No doubt you have been warned, “Be careful what you ask for; you just might get it.”  So have I, and today I am getting a taste of just what that proverb means.  I am familiar with the Bible verse that begins with the words, “Ask and you shall receive,” and being a woman of faith, I take that promise seriously.  Therefore, when I ask God for something, I stand on my faith and believe I will receive it, so long as my request lines up with His will for me.  And I am always delighted when I actually see Him bring about the manifestation of my heart’s desire.

Today I am delighted to see Him fulfilling my heart’s desire, as I look back ten years to when I first started penning little stories and conversations with God.  Back then, something in my spirit said my stories were good, but I did not have the confidence to fully grab hold of that.  I knew the Lord was calling me to write, and I knew the Holy Spirit would come alongside me to produce something that would glorify Jesus.  After all, “every good and perfect gift comes from above.”  So, I took my writing more seriously, and I began to expand more little snippets into stories and parables.  I was reminded about a prophetic statement I had read a few years earlier, a word about books coming out of the bellies of God’s people.  I told God then that I wanted that word for myself; no doubt it was already part of His plan for me. 

I shared my stories with my mentor, who encouraged me to share them with my friends and family.  They encouraged me to continue writing and to save the pieces.  My initial plan was to collect enough stories to make a book for my children.  One friend even suggested that I start a blog.  Now, that sounded way too ‘out there’ for me, since I have very limited skills when it comes to things electronic.  Anything outside the basics of Microsoft Word is like a foreign language to me.  However, as I prayed about it, the Lord led me to a person who could put together a website, and the end product was:  Karen’s Parables.    

My heart’s desire, as I wrote and posted my pieces, was that the Lord would draw more and more people to my site, that Jesus would be glorified in my writings, and that I would be able to watch the numbers increase.  So, that was exactly what I prayed for.  I especially longed to reach those who did not yet know Him.  I was pretty excited, thinking about the possibility of communicating with lots of people I didn’t even know. 

For several years I bumped along, carving out some time to post a piece every now and then.  For the moment, I was content with having only a few visitors each week; I knew the numbers would increase in time.  After all, if God had called me to this assignment, then He would draw the people of His choosing to come and read my stories.  Every now and then I would celebrate over having five or six hits in a single day. One month I had more than fifty viewers, and I was ecstatic.  Later I learned that someone I knew had shared my website with a number of people attending a conference, and many of them logged on to check it out.  As the months passed, I noticed a small increase in the number of visitors, and that made me smile.  I wanted to have a greater impact on the Kingdom, but for the most part, I was quite comfortable with a gradual increase in readership.  I knew I was not being very productive, and if the visitors increased significantly, I would certainly be under more pressure to do a better job on a regular basis.  But, is that not what I was praying for?

Since I was not finding much time this spring to post new material, I was also not checking my daily visitor totals.  Then I posted a piece in July, one I thought was significant, and I shared it with a friend.  He too thought it was an important writing, and he began praying over my website.  My webhost was having server problems, so for a short time I was unable to view my daily totals.  When the server issue was fixed and I logged in to check my numbers, my mind began to spin.  I could barely speak as I told my husband that more than five hundred people had visited my website in July! 

For the next few weeks I seemed to be in a state of shock, and I rechecked those numbers over and over.  Could this really be happening?  I was amazed and thrilled by what God was doing with my blog, so I did my part and posted another piece.  Who could know, perhaps some of them would come back again.  I was so preoccupied with the July numbers that I did not pay much attention to the August daily totals until well in to September.  I must admit, I was not prepared for what I was about to be see.  I finally pulled up the August totals, and I nearly lost my breath when I looked at the chart showing almost two thousand visits for the month!  Words cannot describe my excitement… immediately followed by stark terror.  Oh my goodness, what have I gotten myself into?  God had just given me the desire of my heart, and here I was, hyperventilating!

Suddenly I found myself not knowing exactly what to do with God’s answer to my heart’s desire.  What does this mean?  What do I do now?  I must admit that for the past number of months, several of my friends had been ‘encouraging’ me to make my writing more of a priority.  My excuse was always that I could not seem to find the time.  So there I sat, reminding myself that God was giving me what I told Him was the desire of my heart, and I was quite unprepared for it.  In my mind, I could see Him smiling, saying “Okay, I did My part.  Now what are you going to do?”   My spirit rose up and I said to myself, “I know exactly what I am going to do:  I will not be intimidated by the numbers.  I will joyfully run with the anointing God has given me.  I will put more skin in the game.  I will ask the Holy Spirit to teach me more discipline.”  In my flesh, I must admit that I do feel the pressure of performance and the fear of failure.  However, I know God did not give me that spirit of fear.  I will continue to resist the fear that wants to come against me, telling me that more will now be required of me and I will not be able to keep up with the demand.  To that accusation I reply, “From the beginning, I was never smart enough to write stories and parables that would touch people’s hearts.  It was the Holy Spirit speaking through me, giving me stories, and refining my words.  And I will allow Him to continue to speak through me for as long as He likes!”  (I pause and wonder, how does one experience victory of the spirit over the flesh if he does not know the Victorious One?)

For the past few years I have desired that someone would share my website with someone who publishes books, and that person would want to put my collection into a book.  Now I have to ask myself, “Just how much do you really want that?  Do you have the courage to ask for it?  What would you do with it if you were to get it?  How are you going to make time for yet another commitment?”  I do not have all the answers, so I am pressing in, asking the Lord to align my heart’s desires with His will.

Today God is teaching me that when I ask Him to bring forth the gifts and anointings He has placed in my spirit, He is delighted to grant my request.  He will make it happen, but He loves me so much that He will wait until I am ready to receive it.  My God will never participate in my getting in over my head.  In truth, I can do that quite nicely all by myself.  Once I prepare a place in my heart for His gifting and anointings to reside, He will activate them, and the more room I make for Him to work in me, the more He will do just that. 

I know God has called me to this ministry of writing, which He has confirmed on numerous occasions.  Last year, my husband and I were prayed over by a very trusted prophet, someone who knew nothing about us.  When he looked at me, in the spirit he ‘saw’ a pen and gold ink writings on a paper.  He said the gold signified that the writing was a treasure.  He also sensed that I would write small books, the size of children’s books.  He said the biggest problem for great writers (his words), like great musicians, is in the getting around to sitting down to compose, and once I sat down to write, it would flow smoothly.  We just looked at him and smiled, knowing he had read me well.

II Timothy 1:7       

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

John 15:7               

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.

Matthew 7:7          

Ask, and it will be given you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

James 1:17            

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

This is a story of God blessing, and transforming, a humble heart.  I cannot say that humility is my strong suit; however, it is one of those attributes that I hunger for and continually chase after.  My efforts are always rewarded, even though I am often unaware of the fruit that falls in my lap.  I simply know that God smiles over me when my goal is to imitate Him, and the warmth of that smile lifts my spirit.  Plus, Scripture says that God gives grace to the humble.  Jesus walked in perfect humility; mine is ragged at best.  But on this particular day, the Holy Spirit gave me grace to put on humility and wear it to the glory of God.  My reward exceeded any expectation I might have had.

A few years back when I was but a babe in my new walk with the Lord, I ‘discovered’ a preacher/prophet named Juanita Bynum, and I did my best to watch and listen any time she was on television.  She had such a fresh and direct way of sharing that I hung on her every word.  I had struggled with a lack of self-worth all my life, and I knew nothing about my identity in Christ.  When she spoke with power and assurance, I longed to experience some of what the Lord had poured into her.  So, when she announced that she would be hosting a women’s conference, I announced that I would be in attendance, no matter the cost.

For me, that was a pretty bold statement.  On the outside I projected independence and confidence, but my exterior was mostly propped up with pride and works, hiding my fear that I really might not have much value.  After all, that was the message I had heard most of my life.  But God had been doing a new work in me, and I was determined to grab hold of whatever He was offering.  I was going to step out and chase after the Lord, and I was going to attend that conference all by myself.

During the weeks prior to my trip, the Lord often spoke to my heart, telling me that this encounter would be life-changing, and I would not be the same person coming home as I was when I left.  Those words quickened my heart, and I expected I would learn how to do a better job of serving God.  Little did I know that while I was focused on what I could do for the Lord, He was focused on the wonderful encounter He had planned for me.  (Typical of me to base my value on my productivity!)

God’s first blessing came when I contacted a business associate for assistance in choosing a hotel that would be convenient and safe.  Her comment was that if I was coming to her city, I would be staying with her.  Bless her heart, that newfound friend met me at the airport, took me shopping, hosted me in her home, transported me to and from the conference, and even organized a reception in my honor.  In truth, I was having difficulty receiving such lavish attention, but she loved me through it all.  I had no idea then how our friendship would grow into something beautiful in the days and years to come.

For weeks, God had been burning three strong messages deep in my spirit:  “The last shall be first.”  “Love My children.”  “Walk in humility, obedience, and Christlikeness.”  And from the beginning of the conference, those words set the stage for each encounter.  Most certainly, I was given opportunities to walk out those directives:  at the airport when my luggage was lost, at the conference where pushing and shoving was standard fare, in the auditorium where ladies horded blocks of seats, and at the concessions where it was common for groups of ladies to cut in line.  I finally got to the front of a food line just as the concession ran out of food (after a large group of ladies had cut in front of me).  I waited in a long line to purchase a shirt at a table that was not equipped to take my credit card and I had no cash on me.  I went for cash and waited another hour for a shirt, only to be turned away because they ran out of inventory.  I was exhausted, but victorious.

I spent most of the conference seated in the third balcony, because I was determined to walk in love and humility, refusing to join the dogfight for seating.  The first night I headed to the seats on the main floor, only to discover that section was considered to be Preferred Seating and I was not preferred.  I was quite disappointed because I had waited in line in the hot sun all afternoon, in hopes of getting a seat close to the stage.  I smiled and said thank you, and I walked away.  By the time I got to the first bank of raised seating, most of those chairs were taken, and other ladies had marked off every remaining seat.  Everywhere I found an open seat, someone would tell me it was being saved for someone else.  Same story in the first and second balconies.

So, I sat in the third balcony, and praised the Lord for his ‘perfect’ seating for me, determined to honor Him while choosing to love His children.  Scanning the room from the top deck, I was overwhelmed with the beauty of thousands of women dressed in white and filled with anxious anticipation.  The stage held replicas of the furnishings of the Tabernacle:  the Bronze Altar and Laver, the Table of Showbread, the Incense Altar, the Gold Lampstand, and the veil that covered the Holy of Holies.  Ah, the veil was stunning with red, blue and purple, and a white filmy curtain across the middle.  Behind the veil and barely in view was the Ark of the Covenant with the Mercy Seat and the Golden Angels.  The sight nearly took my breath away, and raised the hair on my arms.  The Holy Spirit filled the room as soon as worship began, and I was surely surrounded with His Presence!  Ms. Bynum said the Lord told her that if she would build this stage, He would show up – and He always keeps His promises.

Each session included powerful worship followed by teachings on the various furnishings found in the Outer Court and then the Inner Court of the Tabernacle.  The Presence of the Holy Spirit was so heavy I often found it hard to breathe; I could barely contain my anticipation for the next session.  Could I wait for Saturday morning to arrive, when no doubt she would pull back the veil and reveal the mercy seat?

On Friday morning I woke up very, very sick – with an intensely pounding headache, blurred vision, lightheadedness, extreme nausea, and weakness.  After traveling this far, missing a session was simply not an option, so I pressed on.  I have no idea how I managed to get myself to the arena, let alone all the way up to the third balcony.  (I didn’t even bother trying to find something closer!)  My miserable condition was so obvious that the lady sitting next to me began to pray over me.  The Lord impressed upon me to find someone in authority to lay hands on me, so I excused myself and headed out to find a staff person.  I was having such difficulty walking, or even seeing, and it seemed as though everyone was staring at me.  Unfortunately, every staff person I approached was either busy or long gone by the time my brain engaged.  Confused and in pain, for a while I simply stood in a corner.  Then, in desperation, I headed toward the carpeted area I had seen in front of the stage, hoping to find someone there who would pray for me.  Somehow I eventually found my way to the front, after getting lost several times and taking three wrong elevators to places where guards chased me off.

Finally reaching all the activity at the front of the stage, I asked a staff person to pray over me.  Instead, she sent me directly to the carpet, helping me make my way to a little space where I could lie down.  Oh my, it felt so good to lay my head down and close my eyes!  For a minute I even forgot about still needing prayer.  However, I had barely settled in when another staff person tapped me on the shoulder and told me it was time to get up.  Oh, I did not want to even move; but determined to be obedient, I rose and made my way off the carpet.  Tears rolled down my cheek as I told the lady I was waiting for someone to pray over me.  She told me to go get my things and return, and then go stand by a certain staff person that she was pointing out.  I did not understand, but I obediently made my way back up to the third balcony, gathered my personal things, and returned to where that particular lady was standing.

Immediately, a different person approached and asked if she could help me.  This woman appeared to be the keeper of the VIP seating, and she was a bit troubled when I told her I was instructed to come and stand here.  Still in a fog, I was not very coherent, and not certain about what was happening around me.  I was simply following instructions, hoping to finally get some help, and some prayer.  When the lady said I could not stay down here, more tears rolled down my face – I was not sure if I even had the strength to make it back to the third balcony.  At that moment I spotted the first lady I had spoken to, and I waved at her.  When she came to my assistance, she confirmed what I had said.  The other lady asked what she was supposed to do with me.  I stood there confused, but silent.  The first lady said to find me a seat; the other lady was unhappy because she did not have an open seat.  The first lady looked around, pointed at an empty seat and said to put me there.  I followed her to the seat and breathed a huge sigh of relief just to be able to sit down.  When I finally composed myself, I looked up and realized that I had just been placed in the third row from the front, exactly in the center – so close that I could see the facial expressions of those on stage!  As the tears rolled again, the Lord spoke to me, reminding me that the last shall be first.  I sobbed as He told me of His great love for me, and how valuable I am to Him.  This was a concept I was still trying to get my arms around, and I was overwhelmed.  There I was, in one of the very best seats in the house (something I never could have arranged in my own strength), having been singled out from more than twenty-eight thousand women!  I could barely hold it together, seeing the evidence of the depth of His love and His goodness toward me.

My joy lasted only a few minutes (about as long as it took me to get settled in my seat of honor) before the noon session began and the volume of the music nearly blasted me out of my seat.  I was painfully aware of my intense headache and nausea, and I saw no solution other than giving up that seat; my head simply could not cope with the volume.  Once again I began to cry at the thought of vacating this honored position.  And how would I ever find the strength to make it back up to the third balcony?  With tears streaming down my face, I gathered up my things and stood up to leave.  Just then the large boom camera came right toward me.  I could not leave while the main camera was on me, so I sat down and waited.  A few minutes later, I tried again to leave, but ushers were escorting a group of dignitaries into my section and I couldn’t just push through them.  So, I settled in again to wait for an opportunity to leave.

Feeling trapped, I closed my eyes and prayed that God would rescue me, breathing deeply until the guy finished singing.  Suddenly my ears perked up and I opened my eyes.  There on the stage was Vicki Yohe, one of my absolutely favorite worship leaders, and I could even see the color of her eyes!  Suddenly I was crying with joy over this sweet blessing, totally forgetting about the pain.  Little did I know that this was only the beginning.  As Vicki sang, her worship brought forth an even greater Presence of the Holy Spirit, and the room was filled with electricity.  Juanita was well aware of the Presence as she walked over and spoke to the worship team.  Then she spoke to Vicki, who launched into another song about “running to the Mercy Seat” - the most beautiful song I had ever heard!  It felt like all the air left the auditorium, and there I was, right in the middle of it!  As Vicki sang, she walked across the stage as someone began to pull back the veil, revealing the Holy of Holies.  You could almost feel the collective intake of breath throughout the audience.  Vicki continued singing and slowly walked until she stood behind the veil.  The Holy Spirit came over her and she dropped to the floor.   Juanita looked around and then escorted two ladies behind the veil where they dropped to the floor.  Then she came for two other ladies in the audience (one a well-known actress), and then she brought her mother.  Now there were bodies everywhere in front of the Mercy Seat.  Juanita then walked to the edge of the stage, asked the security team to move to the side, and motioned for the rest of us to come forward.  I felt as if the Holy Spirit lifted me up and carried me to the stairs.  The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, on a stage littered with bodies, a few feet away from that Mercy Seat, with my head resting on a speaker and some lady’s high heeled shoe pressed into my stomach.  Once again the Lord spoke to me:  “See, the last shall be first!  This is how much I love you.  This is how much I value you – do not ever question your value again.”  He also must have removed my sickness because it was totally gone.

We laid at the feet of Jesus for what seemed like hours, basking in His glory in the middle of an altar prepared just for Him.  I do not even remember how I got untangled from the group or how I made it outside the auditorium.  I do remember the indescribable joy of soaking in the Presence of the Holy Spirit, and the freedom that came with wholehearted, uninhibited worship of the Lord God Almighty.  Looking back, I can see that my heart was forever changed that day, and as the Lord continued to refine me, I learned that I would never again need to question my value in this world or in the next.  If you are looking for me, I can be found in Preferred Seating.

This commentary on marriage is for the really hungry, the totally sold-out for Jesus, husband and wife teams who desire to set aside their own personal interests in favor of committing their marriages to Jesus Christ, the true Bridegroom.  The ideas will not appeal to many, but will be tantalizing refreshment for the few who see their marriage as wonderful but not fully complete.  They understand that more of the fullness of the Kingdom of God is available to those who passionately desire Jesus to be the centerpiece.  The degree of their pursuit can be seen in the tilt of their heads – whether their gaze is horizontal, focused on worldly pursuits, or vertical, where their focal point is on Jesus.

This message is intended to cut straight through the world’s concepts of marriage advice or counseling, all the way to the heart of sold-out love and abandonment to the One who created marriage.  The marriage covenant is intended to be a rehearsal of the Grand Story of the eternal union between the Bridegroom Jesus and His Bride, the Church, at the end of this age.  (The Church will consist of those born-again Believers who have fully surrendered their lives and their wills to Jesus, the only-begotten Son of the Living God.)  When that time comes, we will only have eyes for Him.  Selfish desires will become totally unimportant, even repugnant.

From the beginning, God called Israel to be His wife, and He later grafted the believing Gentiles into the fold.  Isaiah 62:5b says, “And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”  In Hosea 2:19, He says, “I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in loving-kindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.”  Yet, from the day Moses led His bride out of Egypt, she has grumbled and complained, and her focus has been almost completely self-centered.  I believe we are in the last days of this age, and it is imperative that we radically change how we respond to our Betrothed.  I invite you to see your earthly marriage as the perfect training ground, as you prepare for your part in the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

Earlier in my own marriage, my husband and I were quite content, believing we were experiencing the best of marriage.  Frankly, this notion was often a source of pride in me.  Then a few years ago the Lord spoke through a prophetic word, declaring that we didn’t even have a clue about the depth of God’s full intention for marriage.  After recovering from the initial shock, we immediately began asking the Lord to reveal His thoughts about marriage.  He gave us an “earful” then, and He is still revealing more and more insight as we press in for a better understanding of His heart.

Following are a few points the Lord has impressed upon my heart.  I know there is much more for me to learn, but for now, I am working at getting my arms around the basics of unconditional and Christlike love within the covenant of earthly marriage.

          Point to consider:  the main focus of a husband and wife must primarily be vertical, rather than horizontal.  When their eyes are on Jesus, their vision is clear.  Jesus is to be the Head in the marriage; His commandments provide the foundation and Scripture fills in the details.  The closer each person gets to Jesus, the closer the partners get to one another.  This relationship becomes the cord of three strands that is not easily broken.

          Point to consider:  The degree of my need for self-preservation is the degree of my inability to love.  Until I develop an unoffendable heart, I will tend to hide my weaknesses for fear of having them exposed and exploited.

          Point to consider:  Love will cause me to desire to be rid of every little thing about my character that is not pleasing to my husband.  This is not at all about him, but about the length to which I will go in order to bless and please him.  How many of my personal pet characteristics am I willing to lay down at the foot of the Cross?

          Point to consider:  In an algebraic equation, X is the unknown quantity to solve, so X is ?.  Once you know the value of X, you can solve (understand) the equation.  First Corinthians 13 says that “Love is ___,” (i.e.: love is patient, love is kind, etc.), so once I solve “love” from the descriptions in this chapter, I can recognize love when it is given or received.  This chapter can be a handy instruction manual for me as a wife, although walking out the principles can be quite difficult unless I am determined to walk in Godliness in all that I do.  God gives me a clue about identifying Godliness:  I John 4:8 says that God is love.  So, I have an entire chapter that tells me what God is like.  If I insert the word ‘God’ in place of the word ‘love’ in each verse, the whole chapter takes on new meaning.

          Point to consider:  Matthew 26:6-13 tells the story of how Mary of Bethany anointed Jesus with her life savings’ worth of oil, while He was having dinner in Simon’s house.  What seemed to the onlookers as a waste of resources was actually a highly pleasing offering to the Lord.  The woman held nothing back, but lavished her Beloved with all she had, expecting nothing in return.  Love invites me to desire to give all to my husband, not necessarily what I have conveniently allocated as “all,” but what my spouse would consider to be my all.

          Point to consider:  I can be a wife to my husband or I can be a mother; the delivery of my words and actions determines which role I am stepping into.  In any given situation, whichever role I choose to play, I cannot be seen during that particular exchange as being the other.  If I have established what plays out much like a mother-son relationship in our marriage, my husband will find it hard to see me as anything other than a substitute mother.  It is no wonder that he will then find it difficult to lavish me with romance, and cherish me in the way I would desire.

          Point to consider:  It was never God’s intention for a marriage relationship to be primarily based on physical attraction the way the world sees it.  His plan is to match two people together who complement one another, and when joined together, the two become one complete unit.  God wonderfully creates an attraction of one to the other, which is a blessing.  However, my focus must always be on the qualities of my husband’s heart, rather than on his outward physical features or his choices of style.

          Point to consider:  It is dangerous for a couple to set their main goals on amassing material wealth.  If my spouse and I are overly concerned about such things, we will miss God’s true plan for us; our attention will be too focused on our balance sheet and how well we keep up with our friends and neighbors.  God blesses His children with the bounty of heaven and earth, and He desires that we fully enjoy those blessings; however, He also expects us to use that wealth to advance the Kingdom of God.  The only way financial blessings can flow into a marriage is if financial blessings also flow out.

          Point to consider:  Marriage is an ever-moving, ever-changing organism.  Each day is different from the day before.  However, although marriage is comprised of three persons (husband, wife, Jesus), only two of them change.  No matter the situation, no matter how things appear, God never changes.  His word never changes, His love never changes, and He doesn’t go anywhere.  So, He can be a firm stake in the ground that holds fast while the other two parts appear to be flopping in the wind. 

          Point to consider:  When one looks out into a clear night sky, he is captivated by the brilliance of the moon and the stars.  For a moment, he can completely lose track of his surroundings or his situation.  In like manner, a husband or wife should be captivated by the brilliance of his spouse and thus, he has no desire to focus on the flaws.  Unconditional love does not simply ‘overlook’ the imperfections of the other; but rather, it sees the person as being perfectly beautiful just as he is.  (The secret here is in acknowledging that God is aware of every aspect of the other person, and He is powerful enough to lead him to make any changes He finds necessary.  In that space, whatever God is not dealing with in my spouse at that particular moment, I don’t need to be concerned about either.)

          Point to consider:  Marriage is a framework, a covenant instituted by God; therefore, marriage in itself does not have problems.  The troubles arise when those who enter into that covenant relationship begin to look anywhere other than in the mirror when things go awry.

I challenge you to examine your own marriage (or your own views on marriage), and determine which changes you might want to make.  The concept of radical marriage is not for the faint-hearted, neither is it for the self-centered or the extremely needy or the overly sensitive.  It will appeal to those who desire the rich blessings of walking in the fullness of what God has to offer, and the rewards will be well worth the pain involved in implementing the changes.  I promise you, pain will accompany any changes you decide to make!  But, remember what Paul said in Romans 8:18: “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”  I believe I can apply this promise to the suffering involved in willingly laying down my life for my spouse.

          This point is personal:  Recently the Glory of the Lord filled our house, and the Holy Spirit spoke to us about several things we had been praying about.  Then He gave me a thought-provoking message.  Following is a paraphrase of what I heard:   “Do you know why your ministry is so fruitful?  It is because the two of you work so well together as a team.  But, I am taking you to a new level.  From now on, I do not want the two of you to disagree about anything at all.  If you have an issue to work through, ‘see’ yourselves standing side-by-side and each pitching your ideas onto a table.  Then piece together the best plan.  If you do not come together on any particular point, then you (that meant me) back down and come into agreement with your husband.  You are to defer to your husband’s decision, every time, even when you know for certain that you are right and he is wrong.”  Wow, that got me to thinking!  I knew immediately that the Lord had already gone before me in this matter because my first thought was to praise Him for the wonderful new thing He was about to do in me.  (That is definitely not what I would have expected to be my first thought!)  I was fully aware of the humility this plan would require of me.  Likewise, I was aware of the level of responsibility it would require of my husband.  I can report that for the past number of months, God has walked me through this exercise with relative ease.  I have had to bite my tongue a time or two, but I have been given the grace to walk in the plan He has set out for me.  I do not yet fully comprehend all that this is intended to produce in me; however, I know that He always has a perfect plan and this will become an effective tool for me in the days ahead.

This Radical Marriage concept has radically changed and blessed me.  I pray that a few of you will also feel the tug of the Holy Spirit calling you into a new and thought-provoking view on marriage.  God bless you as you ponder these ideas, and as you seek the Lord for His words for you.

Life is filled with lessons and tests, all intended to prepare me for eternity.  Each challenge, each storm, each problem presents an opportunity to grow and mature as I work through complicated situations, all the while relying on the power of the Lord to lead me into victory.  I often learn to make good decisions by first making some really bad ones.  Whenever I end up in a big mess, I see it as evidence that I have once again struck out on my own, straying away from the counsel of the Lord.

In my mind, this lesson-learning process is similar to going around a mountain to reach the top.  When I run into an issue that causes me to lose my joy, and I ‘go all the way around that mountain’ and do not fare so well, then the Lord allows me to go around it again, and again, as many times as it takes to ‘reach the top’ and learn that lesson.  Sometimes one trip around is sufficient to conquer that mountain; however, the more stubborn issues often call for many tours around.  I really believe that God is not so concerned about how many times I have to go around, so long as I continue to face my issues and press on, with my eyes fixed on Him.  I must admit, sometimes I get really weary of having to deal with the same demon over and over and over.  But oh, the victory is sweet when I finally ‘get it’ and I conquer that mountain!

This is my personal testimony of the conquering of a really big mountain that I have been circling for many years.  When cutting to the chase, I call it a spirit of poverty.  In more gentle terms, it is that place where money is always an issue, and any financial setback shakes my peace and draws me to worry.  I have never had very deep pockets, so even the smallest money issue has always had my full attention.  Over the years I have allowed myself to get bound up in matters concerning money, often worrying about whether or not we would have enough to meet our obligations and still be able to have some fun.  Jesus said to not worry about such things, but for most of my life I was unaware of that verse.  Today I know that the evidence of my wealth or poverty is not found in the size of my bank account.  Rather, it is measured by the condition of my heart, the depth of my faith, and my level of belief that Jehovah God is indeed my provider.

For many years I was a single mother raising four children, and although I always had a job, we lived on a relatively small income.  Every time we were faced with an unusual expense, we had to find a way to stretch what money we had.  I remember when our dog was hit by a car.  We held a family meeting and voted on whether or not to use the grocery money to take the dog to the vet.  We had some unusual meals that week as we cleaned out the cupboards.  Looking back, I can see that we always had enough, but it certainly never felt that way to me.  During that time, I considered myself ‘saved’, but only on a doctrinal basis.  It would have never occurred to me that God was continually working in my life, so I believed my survival was based on how well I handled life’s situations.

When I remarried, my new husband came with lots of potential, and lots of debt.  I smile as I remember cosigning for a loan so he could buy me an engagement ring.  Today I would forego the ring, but I was a different person back then.  He was faithfully digging out of a ‘dark’ season in his life, and I knew going in to the marriage that we would have some financial mountains to climb.  I also knew he was well worth the effort!  However, I was caught off-guard when the first letter we received as a married couple was from a local bank, offering us the ‘opportunity’ to pay off an old debt.  My new husband had taken out a small loan a number of years earlier, one he had completely forgotten about, and the bank had lost track of him.  Although the statute of limitations had run and the bank could not pursue legal action, we knew we needed to repay the debt.  We had been working on a budget on our way home from our honeymoon, but this new responsibility did not fit anywhere in the equation.  So, we gathered up every single dollar of wedding gift money, plus some more, and paid the debt.  I must tell you that taking the high road always pays off.  A few years later, my new job brought me into daily contact with that bank; our offices were even in the bank building!  You can only imagine my reward from having done the right thing.

Looking back, it seemed as though every time we began to make some financial progress, we would experience another setback.  So, it felt like we were forever picking ourselves up from one challenge after another.  I must say, that although it continually wore us out, we always landed on our feet.  God was incredibly good to us, quietly making a way for us at every turn.  However, we always seemed to be wrapped up in money issues, actually, lack-of-money issues.  Our friends and family must have been exhausted from just listening to our stories.  We were exhausted from going around and around that same mountain; praise God for nudging us to keep pressing on.

I remember well the season we fully gave our hearts to the glory of the Lord, and we began learning about His precepts, and His promises.  We were beginning to learn about resting in Him in the middle of life’s challenges; however, our financial mountain did not simply disappear.  In fact, it even got bigger.  Through it all, our hearts were being transformed; we became determined to walk in freedom from worry and anxiety.  With God’s leading and His grace, we went around that financial mountain over and over and over, each time walking out with a little more peace.  Plus, the more generous we were, the more peace we experienced.  I was quite pleased with myself, realizing I was becoming less and less troubled over financial things, and that particular mountain was becoming quite manageable.  At the time, I would have told you I was experiencing true freedom in this arena.  That is, until just recently, when the Lord revealed a greater measure of the mighty work He had been doing in me.

It all started coming to light after we received a letter from the IRS, informing us that we had made an error on our income tax return, resulting in a negative $4000 swing in the amount of taxes we owed.  As I began to read, a cramp formed in my belly, and a sick feeling came over me.  Upon finishing the letter, my spirit cried out to the Lord for help.  Fear was rising up in me, but I was determined that I would not let the enemy take me down.  I declared out loud, “I am the daughter of the Most High God, and He is my Provider.  I refuse to bow down to fear and dread.  If we owe the money, I will gladly pay it and then I will thank You, Lord, for exposing the error.”  I knew I had to find that place of peace before investigating, so I prayed and worshipped for a little while.  I had been counting on receiving an income tax refund, and was already a bit unsettled that it had not yet arrived.  I rested for a few minutes, and waited until my spirit was at peace. 

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out our records and examined the tax return.  Sure enough, right in front of me was my mistake, and upon recalculating, my numbers matched theirs. I quickly wrote the checks and mailed them, and as promised, I thanked the Lord for bringing the error to light.  I also thanked Him for providing us with enough money to pay what we owed. 

Once again I had gone around that same mountain, but this time I felt more at peace than ever before.  I celebrated my victory.  I was indeed walking in my true identity in Christ, and conquering the mountain of fear and worry over money.  I did realize that because we actually had enough cash to cover the debt, it was not a true test of faith.  However, working through the issue so quickly was still a great victory.

Two days later we received a letter from Social Security informing us that we owed them $26,000.  My husband had been injured at work and by the time he was declared eligible for disability compensation, a certain amount of back payments were owed him.  Now they wanted most of it all back.  This was an entirely different challenge because we did not have that money anymore; we had applied it to our mortgage.  We immediately began to gather paperwork and we paid a visit to the Social Security office, hoping to come to some understanding of the situation.  After doing our part, I handed the entire situation over to the Lord, and I absolutely refused to allow fear or worry to gain access to my soul.  Immediately I felt such a peace come over me, bringing sweetness like I had never before experienced in a challenge of this proportion.

At that moment I knew I was walking more fully in my identity, living in a way that lined up with what God said about who I was in Him - and Who He is in me.  That was when I realized I had conquered a mountain, and that spirit of poverty no longer had a grip on my soul.  My victory was confirmed every time I discussed the matter and I still could feel total peace in the middle of the storm.  Now, this is where my soul has forever longed to rest!  I cannot adequately describe the sweetness of this victory, or the joy in knowing I never again need to worry about money.  That is, so long as I walk in my identity, lining up with who God says that I am.

How does this new freedom feel?  Here is an analogy:  I need oxygen in order to survive.  It is an absolutely necessary element my body requires in order to function in this world.  I am most grateful that God has provided oxygen in abundance, but quite frankly, I don’t think about it very often.  I simply count on there being enough for me today, tomorrow, and for as long as I need it.  Intellectually, I know situations could arise where I could have a shortage of this precious element.  However, I stand on my foundation that God is good, all the time, and He always meets all of my needs.  So I just do not concern myself about it.  Same thing now with money.  He is good, all the time, and I know He will supply me with all the money that I need.  I just do not concern myself about it anymore.

As we live and walk in the Kingdom of God, we still need to operate in the world’s system, and our character requires us to be fiscally responsible.  My problem was not about money; it was about seeing money as the solution to my problems, the measure of my success, and the thing that determined how I would live my life.  God expects me to be responsible with the blessings He pours out on me, but He also calls me to remain as peaceful in my soul when money is tight as I am when I clearly have enough to meet my obligations.  I am to rejoice in knowing all is well, and He will supply all my needs according to His good pleasure.

Another big mountain conquered, just in time, as the world’s monetary system is in free-fall and our nation’s economy is beginning to collapse.  Thank You, Father, for always taking such incredibly good care of me, and for once again reminding me that You hold me in the crook of Your arm.